This blog was created to preserve a little part of Jamaica's culture. Too many jokes and interesting things about the Island get forgotten just because there wasn't an archive of them. This blog allows us to archive all these jokes and interesting things so that they will never be forgotten. If it was interesting to you please take the time to record it here. I will gather what I can, but I need all the help I can get. Also as a favor to me, please like, follow, and support my advertisers.
Friday
Bredda Anancy Story
http://www.sacred-texts.com/afr/jas/
Misc Jamaican Jokes
The jokes I'm going to jot down here don't really have a category. If you think I have listed a joke here inappropriately please leave comments in the section below.
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I overheard this one the other day as two young black children spoke. I thought it was funny and worthy of mention.
Person 1. What's the name of the Niger that plays terminator?
Person 2 Nigga!? What do you mean?
Person 1. Yeah! Yeah! What's his name?
Person 2. I don't know of any black person playing in the terminator movie series.
Person1. No No No, you mis-understand me
Person 2. I sure do
Person 3. You mean Schwarzenegger?
Person 1. That's exactly who I mean. And here you were thinking that I was using the N-word out of place. That's is his actual name right?
I could not say a word. The conversations kids have.
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Thursday
Jamaican Natty Dread Jokes
Apart from long hair, Rastamen are also known for cursing(profanity) up a storm. I have searched high and low and have tried to reproduce the few jokes I know without any curse words. If you can think of any others please post them here.
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One night this Rasta-man was high on his weed while riding his bicycle back from his friend's house. This rasta-man was also battling the flu so in the midst of one of his strides, he lost his balance and fell. This sudden move was more than his poor body could take and he vomited up everything that he had eaten that day.
With the crash and the vomit, Rasta-man became a little dis-oriented. A dog was near by and came to lick up the vomit. The dread looked own at the vomit and said.
"see Ossey rice and peas deh, see the red juice weh Suzy gimme, but I cannot remember ah who give me the dog fi eat."
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As we know one of the things that Rasta-men are known for is the abstinence of eating pork (pig meat). Pluto Shevrington makes a funny song about it.
on his Penis. He thought this was a nice gesture to say that he was only for her.
Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible.
accepted his proposal.
honeymoon. At the airport, Bill had to stop and take a leak, so he popped into the men's
room. At the urinal next to him was a man with long dreads, and Bill happened to notice
that the man also had 'WY' tattooed on his penis.
What are the odds two guys with 'WENDY' tattoos standing next to each other, at the urinal?"
should get custody of the child.
pain and labor. " She should be in my custody.
“Yow…yuh honor, if I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out,
ah who fah Pepsi…I and I or the machine?”
need a bird reminding her of this fact. So fed up with the bird's comments she knocked
on the Dread's gate and told the dread that he needed to get the parrot to stop telling her
that she was ugly!
called out to her.
just shook his head and said
"What is your defense Dread."
tun big big goat and now dem wicked people wah seh ah tief di I and I tief mi own goat."
turned to the Dread and asked, "What is your defense this time Dread."
bicycle from it ah likkle likkle tricycle, and now it tun big bicycle dem people yah, seh ah tief
di I tief mi own bicycle.
as shi com on pan di bus, dis dread rouna di back start map ar out fram head to toe. Him look
until im simply coodn control imself anymore. Suh im step to the oman.
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There was a dread in a district who owned a herd of goat. One day the dread visited his herd in the bushes and found out that someone had painted the goats. Now this made the dread very angry and he was determined to "deal wid" anybody who was brazen enough to paint his goats.
He started shouting and making a rucus in the neighborhood. "Ah who paint me goat dem!?"
He was inquiring all over the place until finally, he met the man who did it.
Ah me boss, ah me paint you goat dem, weh yuh ah guh duh bout it.
To which the dread just said.
Ahhh, mi juss di wah tell yuh seh di first coat dry, and if you want you can come put on the next coat.
Black man, Chiney man and White man - Jamaican Jokes
Post any jokes here that you know about these three characters. Please keep it clean.
Dessert
Don't know why but black man, chiney man and white man were stranded in the desert for some time. They had been walking for what seemed like days and they were tired and very hungry. Suddenly White man stumbles upon something in the sand, and you guessed it. It was a lamp, Chiney man said I have seen this on tv, rub it and a genie will come out and grant wishes. So at Chiney man's request, the white man rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.
"I am the genie of the lamp, I will grant each of you one wish. So with that white said I want to be the president of America...pling. The lamp fell to the ground, the White man disappeared and re-appeared in the white house with servants and food galore. Chiney man then blurted out, I wish to be emperor of China...Pling...Chiney man disappeared and re-appeared in China as the emperor.
Black man was so confused he didn't know how to make up his mind. He started his wish several times
"I wish to be....no wait"
I know, I know he said excitedly ,,,,then he stopped and started again
"I wish for....hmmmm...that wont be right!"
then he held his head down in desperation and sighed as he said
"Oh I just wish whiteman and chiney man were here to help me make this decision"
PLING.....whiteman and Chineyman re-appear with blackman in the dessert.
Joke 3 -
O.k. so this is a combination of 3 jokes.. here goes
Pastor - Jamaican Jokes
Post any jokes here that you know about Pastor.
So it is testimony time in church and Sis (no teet) Margaret jumps up and says:
Praise di Lord brethren. Every month I used to have bad bad belly cramps and headaches, but since Pastor James has started to visit me. I have been totally healed from my cramps for the past three months now. As a matter of fact, I have not had any periods either. I tell you sisters Pastor James is a miracle worker. Although sometimes I vomit in the morning that is nothing compared to the cramps and period headaches I used to feel. I have even started to put on weight, but it looks good on me though.
The members turn and look at Pastor James, and he faints.
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One night Pastor James came home from his weekly prayer meeting with
Sis Margaret, when he found a robber in his house. He shouted out “Robber Acts 2:38:
'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up and
The pastor called the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, one policeman said, "Hey man, how come you gave up this
easy?
To which the robber replied, "You would too, if someone approached you with an axe and
two 38's!"
Big Boy - Jamaican jokes
Post any jokes/stories here that you know about Big Boy. I'll' start with the few that I know.
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Joke 1 - Cricket Match
One day the Teacher gave the overnight assignment to the class to write about an interesting Cricket Match.
The following morning many of the boys and girls turned in numerous pages detailing the game of a cricket match. However Big Boy only turned in one page with one line on it.
It read, "Rain No play"
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Joke 2 - Stop your donkey
Back in the child hood days of Big Boy, he had childhood responsibilities before he went to school. One of them was the tying to pasture of the family's donkey "GG." On this particular morning Big bay was in a rush and did not tie the donkey properly. It would eventually get away, but big boy was oblivious of this.
In class they were doing spelling and teacher had called on big boy to spell "egg." Big boy was always clueless. So with his head hung down, he began to mumble.
The teacher shouted, "Hold up your head and say the letters clearly so everyone can hear!!"
At the very moment Big Boy looked up and glimpsed through the window the family donkey running down the street.
In anxiety Big Boy started to jump and shout!
EEEEE GG, EEEEEEE GG, EEEEE GG, EEEEE GG, EEEEE GG, EEEEE GG
To which the teacher just smiled and said, "Yes you are right".
But Big boy would be in big trouble later that evening to find the family donkey.
****Note. back in those days a person would yell "EEE" to stop a donkey and "WHOOA" to stop a horse.***
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In Art class one day, all students were supposed to draw a plane. While everybody was busy drawing big boy was just relaxing.
The art teacher walked up to him and asked, "Where is your drawing of the plane?"
Big boy pointed to a dot on his paper and said: "Here it is!
Art teacher: I don't see a plane! All I see is a dot!
Big boy: Oh that's just because it is far away
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Joke 5 - Professor's visit
One day Professor came to school and was assessing both the students and teacher for Big boy's class.
It was a fine day, Professor said, and a train was traveling 124 mph on the track. It had 2500 miles to travel. If the train takes 5 miles to stop, at what distance will the train need to be in order to cover the 2500 miles in 4 days?
If anyone can answer this question, they can also tell my age.
So everyone is trying to guess professors' age, but no one seems to be getting right.
Even Big Boy has his hand up, but the teacher does not want the professor to see it.
Despite her efforts, the professor calls on Big Boy
Professor: yes big boy
Big Boy: You are 46 years sir
Professor: Why yes, that is correct. Please tell the class how you got your answer.
Big boy: I have a neighbor who they call a half fool, and he is 23 years sir, and two times 23 is 46.
The class silent
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Joke 6 - I don't know
Just to show that some jokes are only funny because of ignorance. This is one such joke.
Teacher: Students! What do you want to be when you grow up?.
Iceylyn: I want to be a shopkeeper! (teacher nods),
Teacher: What about you Ally?
Ally: I want to be a farmer Miss. (teacher nods)
Teacher: ...and you Keisha
Keisha: I want to be a housewife and the mother of 5 children (teacher is shocked by this answer that she does not even know how to respond, but then she turns and points to Big Boy)
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